About Domestic Violence

 

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is abuse which occurs within a close personal or family relationship and which is used as a means of exercising power and control over another person. Acts of domestic violence, or battering, cause not only physical injury, but also the loss of trust, loss of personal safety in one's own home, and loss of control over one's own life. While the majority of victims of domestic violence are women and children, men may also experience abuse in their relationships.

 

What Domestic Violence Looks Like

Domestic violence occurs when one person believes that they have a right to use whatever methods to gain and maintain control over the other person. They may blame their victim, their job, the fact that they had a "bad day" or try to use other excuses for abuse.

Abusers use many tactics: Verbal, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, Child Custody/Visitation, Financial, Isolation, and Sexual.

Domestic violence is NOT about an anger management problem, it is about power and control.

Battering is NOT simply a momentary loss of temper or loss of control. Abuse is a choice!

Even with intervention, abusers seldom will change for the better, in fact abuse usually gets worse with time.

Anyone can be an abuser, however, statistically it is men battering women.

Abusers do not have a specific look. They can be wearing three piece suits or dirty scruffy rags. They can be unemployed, blue-collar workers or high profile members of society such as lawyers, judges, pastors, elders in a church, celebrities and so forth. You can't tell if an abuser is an abuser by looking at them.

 

Types of Abuse

Domestic violence generally takes one or more of the following forms:

Physical Abuse: This form of domestic violence can include throwing objects at another person, pushing, slapping, using weapons, choking, kicking, etc. Physical abuse may result in bruises, broken bones, permanent emotional scars…even death.

Verbal and/or Emotional Abuse: This does not refer only to verbal arguments. It often includes acts which are similar to brainwashing such as sleep deprivation, verbal battering to undermine the victim's sense of self-worth, threats of harm and death, and isolating the victim from other family or friends.

Another type of emotional abuse is one which can literally make a victim question their own sense of reality or their own mental stability making them think that they are mentally ill. Examples of this abuse could be; the abuser beating the victim up and then denying it, saying that the victim did it to themself; saying something and then later denying it; moving something from one place to another and then telling the victim that they were the one that moved it; looking up at the victim and asking them what they just said when they really had said nothing at all; moving on to actually convincing the victim that they had said something they had not. This form of abuse eventually takes it's toll, leaving the victim questioning their own sense of reality or their own mental stability. Keeping them off guard and worn down makes it much easier for the abuser to convince the victim that the victim has a problem, that the victim is the problem and not the abuser. This helps the abuser maintain control over the situation, keeping the victim positioned exactly where the abuser wants them…a target for the abuse! Not only making the victim believe that they are at fault but that they deserves it and that no one else could every want or love them.

Sexual Abuse: This form of abuse refers to any forced sexual act including unwanted touching, rape, and marital rape. Sexual abuse often occurs during or after a battering incident where other types of physical violence are used. Sexual abuse is a violent crime which is illegal in Pennsylvania.

Destruction of Property or Pets: Destroying or harming a person's cherished possessions or pets is another way of inflicting abuse and exercising control over the victim. It also is a method of expressing threats of similar personal harm to the victim.

Financial/Economic: Maintaining absolute control over the victim's use of personal, marital, or otherwise shared financial resources is another method of controlling behavior as well as the victim's ability to leave the abusive situation. Economic abuse can limit - even prevent - the victim's access to medical care, transportation, social relationships, and assistance from other individuals and agencies.

Social Abuse: The abuser often will use this method to isolate a victim from their friends and families (support people). When this happens, and the victim is isolated, it makes it easier for the abuser to make the victim see the world through the abuser's eyes only. This makes the victim forget what normal behavior may look like.

 

Warning Signs

Are you abused? Does the person you love…

1. "Track" all of your time?
2. Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
3. Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
4. Prevent you from working or attending school?
5. Criticize you for little things?
6. Anger easily when drinking or on drugs?
7. Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
8. Humiliate you in front of others?
9. Destroy personal property or sentimental items?
10. Hit, punch, slap, kick or bite you or your children?
11. Threaten to hurt you or your children?
12. Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
13. Force you to have sex against your will?
    

 

Why Someone Stays

Leaving can be dangerous. Many battered victims have been killed by their partners after leaving the violent home or ending the relationship. A battered victim, therefore, may believe that leaving will not necessarily make their life or the lives of their children safer. Many batterers escalate the violence to coerce their victims into reconciliation or to retaliate for their departure. This may include threats to kill the victim, themselves, or others if he/she leaves or doesn't return after having left.

Hope for change. Many abusers become remorseful after inflicting violence. Their contrite behavior may include: promising never to hit again; seeking counseling if the victims will stay in the relationship; reminding the victims of how hard he/she works; pointing out the stress under which he/she is operating; acknowledging the wrongfulness of the violence to others and asking their help in stopping it; or demonstrating love in meaningful ways. Some battered victims mistakenly believe they can "rescue" their abuser from violent behavior. When the batterer acknowledges the wrongdoing and concedes the need for dramatic change, hope is born anew for many victims.

Isolation. Many victims of domestic violence lose their support systems during their relationship with the abuser. Some of the ways a batterer may isolate the victim are: preventing them from using the telephone; preventing them from attending and/or humiliating them at family or other social gatherings; insisting on driving them to work or not allowing them to work; censoring the mail; or convincing them that other people are the source of their problems.

Societal Denial. Many victims fear that no one will believe that their partners abuse them. Batterers can be very charming and popular people who keep their terrorizing and controlling behaviors well hidden when outside the home. Battered partners who try to leave often become discouraged when potential helpers in the community trivialize the impact of the violence.

Belief in Counseling for the Batterer. Victims are reluctant to leave when their abusers are in counseling. It is very important that battered victims have full information about counseling programs for batterers and are in contact with partners' counselors. Only in this way can the individuals evaluate whether or not the counseling is likely to bring about the changes that are needed for the batterer to end the violence.

Leaving is a Process. Most victims leave and return several times before permanently separating from their abusers. The first time the victim leaves may be only a test to see whether or not the abuser will try to get some help to stop the violence. When the violence occurs again, he/she may leave to gain more information about the resources available to him/her.